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Dear Modern Stud,
 
I need your help. I have a very dear friend that is male. We have been friends for quite a long period of time-around 6 years. But lately I get this feeling that he is trying to stop being around me. When we talk he makes it sound like it is an obligation. And I am constantly feeling like he is outright lying to me to not spend time with me.
 
He knows he can be honest with me but I feel like he doesn't believe this anymore. Its starting to hurt very much because I am not sure if I can trust him anymore. And I trusted him more then anyone else pretty much, even more then my family. I know I have made mistakes in the past when it came to him-and I was always up front about it so that he knew and didn't find out some other way.
 
Any thoughts?
 
Gratefully,
On the Verge of Tears
New York

Dear Tear Stricken New Yorker,
 
I'm sorry to hear about this.  This is a difficult thing to experience, and friendship (especially one as long standing as this) is a terrible and painful thing to lose.  Honestly, I do have some thoughts... and I want you to be honest with yourself when you consider them.
 
I wonder if what you have considered 'friendship'... he may have been considering something more.  And the distance you feel now... could be the culmination of 6 years of his frustration at being 'so close, yet so far'.  He's pulling away... possibly because he's finally allowing himself to realize that you don't see him in 'that way'... and now he's feeling hurt.  If you aren't sure... ask him... but expect that he's going to hide his true feelings... And he probably has plenty of practice doing exactly that... so it's more of a natural response, or learned reaction at this point.  Until you let him know that you truly care about him, and you are not going to ridicule him for the way he feels, I doubt that he will give you an honest answer.  When one person reaches out for another person, there is a feeling of complete exposure.  We feel naked.  For in truly seeking another human being, we must be willing to remove all of our armor, take down all the protective 'walls' that we build to make ourselves feel safe, and expose our inner self to chance.
 
Guys rarely have 'girl' friends.  There's a reason for this.  Though, I'm not sure I'm ready to divulge that just yet.  The dynamics of a friendship between a girl and a guy are very complicated... and it is very difficult indeed for either or both parties to keep the fact that biologically, we are designed to 'hook it up' out of the equation...  and typically, it is the guy who starts viewing this 'friendship' as the precursor to something more.  At least that has been my experience.
 
Ask yourself, how close are you to him.  How close is he to you?  Consider that. 
 
Now, the flip-side of this scenario is a little different. 
 
If this is not the case.  If he does not have any 'feelings' for you beyond friendship.  It is possible that he is simply changing.  Over time... people change.  This is a fact of life.  What we need in our life now, is not necessarily what we will need tomorrow.  The people that we are closest to today... who we seek out for guidance, support, and perspective, are not always going to be the people we need tomorrow.  Sometimes, we need to re-invent ourselves.  And the friends that we keep, will not always let us evolve.  Not because they don't want to see us grow, but because of the history we share with them.  It is sometimes hard to see someone change, especially if you have become accustomed to who they were.
 
The only real advice I feel I can give you... is this.
 
Accept.  Do not judge.  Whatever the case may be, whatever he feels, and whatever his reasons for slipping away... they are his alone.  Your only course of action is this...  Be yourself.  Be honest.  If you are true to yourself... then you have done your part.  If he does indeed slip away, it is by no fault of your own.  Accept that this life is a road, and you will meet people along the way.  You cannot expect that all of the people you walk with for a time are headed to the same place as you.  Appreciate the time you have spent together, the talks you have had... and the fact that someone has chosen to share their time with you.  That is enough.
 
I hope that this will provide you a little perspective in this.
 
-Modern Stud

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